I Cannot Call Him

I parked across the street Like I did when I was seventeen, When I was scared to go inside Because I knew you would ask where I had been. The porch light is still burning. Someone forgot to turn it off. Your coat is probably hanging On the hook beside the hall. I keep expecting you to open up the door, Look at the time and shake your head. I would give anything to hear you say, “You could have called instead.” But the house is full of people, And every voice sounds wrong. They keep telling me you are resting, But resting should not last this long. I cannot call him anymore, His name is still there like it was before. My hands still reach for the number When everything goes wrong, Then I remember the voice I need is gone. I cannot call him anymore, And I was not ready To become a man without my father. They handed me your watch today. I put it in my pocket and lied. I said, “I am doing fine,” Like you taught me to whenever someone died. I spoke beside your photograph, Said all the proper things. How you worked, how you stayed, How you never needed praise for anything. But I did not tell them about the nights You waited up when I was late, Or how your hands would shake these past few years But never when you held my face. Now everybody has gone home, And I am still outside. Because once I cross that doorway, There is nowhere left to hide. I cannot call him anymore, His name is still there like it was before. My hands still reach for the number When everything goes wrong, Then I remember the voice I need is gone. I cannot call him anymore, And I was not ready To become a man without my father. Who do I call when the roof starts leaking? Who do I ask when the engine will not start? Who tells me, “Son, stop overthinking,” When I am falling apart? I thought there would be one more Sunday, One more coffee, one more drive. One more chance to say I understood Why you were so hard on me sometimes. I thought becoming older Meant I would need you less. But I have never felt more like a child Than standing at your grave today. I cannot call him anymore, His name is still there like it was before. My hands still reach for the number When everything goes wrong, Then I remember the voice I need is gone. I cannot call him anymore. I cannot call him anymore. And I was not ready To become a man without my... Fa- Fa... Father... I was not ready. I was not ready. I still need my father.